Lessons learned from my children-Part 1

I learn so many lessons from my children. It's funny that I'm the parent, charged with the task of teaching them, but they teach me as much by being the wonderful, spirited little people they are. Each of them are so different and handle and experience the world in very different ways.

My 16 month old is transitioning from an infant to a toddler. As an infant, she needed me for everything. Her attachment to me and her love for me were based solely on my ability to provide for her needs. She was happy to see me and wanted me, but only because I'm the one who gave her food when she was hungry, comforted her when she got hurt, gave her security when she was fearful, and changed her when her diaper was dirty. That hasn't changed. She still needs me for all those things.

I love providing for her needs and I welcome her into my arms when she comes to me with a need, even if it's only attention or love that she needs. On a few occasions, recently, she has shown her affection for no apparent reason with an unexpected hug, pat on the back, or kiss on the cheek. I can't even describe the warmth that it brings to me when she comes to me for no other reason than to show affection for me.

I think God, as our father, probably feels the same way. He takes pleasure in meeting our needs and hears our every request, but I'm sure it thrills Him when we come to Him with no other purpose than to give Him our love and affection. As a result, I am trying to spend less time giving Him a laundry list of requests and needs and more time just expressing my love for Him.

LIVING IN THE MOMENT

I feel like my life is being run by 3 things:

1) My calendar
2) My to-do list
3) My checkbook

I don't mean I use them to guide my life. They are actually running my life. My last thoughts before bed and my first thoughts in the morning are focused on at least one of these three things. I often glance at them throughout the day and sometimes dream about them at night. I judge the passing of time by the amount of things I can get done before I need to be somewhere, and the number of days until the next "big thing" on the calendar. Let's not forget the number of days until the next paycheck. I find myself saying, "I just have to make it through this day," or "I only have x hours until I'm done with work," or "Just x days until _____ is over."

This leads me to ask:
Since when did my life become something I just need to survive?
Am I so focused on getting through, that I am missing the moment?
Am I really living the abundant life Jesus wants me to have?

Today, I decided enough is enough. Today, instead of asking God to help me get through the day, or get things done, or get us through until payday, I asked Him to help me find joy in my everyday life. I asked him to help me live today, not just survive the day. Everytime I found myself turning back to survival mode, I made myself change my mantre to "Thank you, Lord for this day." I searched for joy and pleasure and blessing and found it around every corner.

I'm not going to get rid of my calendar...that would be disasterous.
I'm not going to get rid of my to-do list...it has really helped me focus and prioritize.
I'm definitely not going to get rid of my checkbook.

Instead, I am not going to let them run my life. On second thought, maybe I will get rid of them. I will hand them over to God and let Him use them to guide me.

I don't want to miss any more moments. Especially these three.

Blocked

I am blocked! The dreaded writers block. Not that I'm really a writer. I would like to be, but really I'm just a wannabe. Every time I sit down to write a blog entry, my mind is so swarming with things and ideas, that I just can't settle on anything that seems interesting. So, I thought I would post something that I have written in the past. This is a little story that one of my sweet clients told me. It touched me deeply and I wanted to write it down to capture the emotion of her story.

A Mother’s Love Never Ends

            “It happened seventy years ago, but I can still feel the ache in my heart like it was yesterday.” The elderly woman paused to look out the window as she collected her thoughts. Snow fell lightly outside. The sounds of the outdoors were muffled by several inches of fresh snow. In that tranquil silence, she allowed her thoughts to take her back in time, back to a painful time. Her hands shook with the tremors that had cruelly taken much of her function. She clasped them together, trying to still the relentless shaking as much as possible. I waited for her to continue.

            “It was a hard labor. I remember wondering if she’d ever be born. It took many hours, but finally, she came—my beautiful Carol Christine. I named her after my mother and my husband’s mother. She was beautiful. The nurse cleaned her up and placed her little warm body in my arms. She was wrapped tightly in a white blanket. She was so tiny. I remember loosening the blanket so I could look at her little fingers and taking off her little cap to stroke her silken hair. It was lighter than Sherry’s had been. Maybe she’ll be blonde like her father, I thought. I don’t remember exactly how long I held her before I could tell something was wrong. An hour or two, maybe. She was breathing, but she made these funny, grunting noises. I tried to nurse her, but she wasn’t breathing right. I called the nurse in. She slid her stethoscope beneath the blanket and listened. She tried to hide a look of alarm, but I saw it and was filled with fear. She mumbled something about checking her out and whisked her away. That was the last time I saw her. I remember the panic I felt as I waited for the doctor or the nurse to come in and tell me something, anything. They were gone a long time. I lay there on that hospital bed waiting and praying. After a while I stopped hoping someone would come in and started dreading it. I was afraid of what they would tell me. I think something inside me knew she was gone.”

The woman, my dear friend, took a deep, trembling breath. She did not cry, tears were shed many times over the years and had run dry. The ache was all that remained. I stayed silent. There are no words for times like these. I placed my hands over her tightly clasped ones. She looked at me, the pain in her eyes fresh; even after all these years.

            “Do you know my doctor never even came in to talk to me? He never came to tell me he was sorry or anything. The nurse came in to tell me Carol Christine had died. She brought my husband in so I wouldn’t be alone. We held each other and cried. Later, they brought little Sherry in to see me. She was very young—18 months, I think—too young to understand why her mommy was so sad. I think they thought it would help me to see her. It did. I held her to my heart for a long time. Having her brought me through the next few months.” The woman sighed. For the first time since I had known her, she looked all of her 93 years. “We did an autopsy. Carol Christine’s heart had a defect. These days, they would have caught the problem on ultrasound and probably would have done a C-section so she wouldn’t have to go through the trauma of birth and then would have done surgery right away. She might have lived.

“My husband wanted to try to have more children. I didn’t. I was afraid it would happen again and I knew I couldn’t bear it.”

            Several minutes of silence passed before she looked at me again. “That’s why I’m ready to go whenever God is ready for me. I’ve waited seventy years to see my sweet baby. I’m actually looking forward to leaving this old, worn out body behind and holding her again.”

            That night, at home, I held my own baby daughter tightly and cried—my heart broken for another mother who for 70 years had grieved the loss of a daughter who lived only hours but left a lasting impression on her mother’s heart.

Several weeks later, I read her obituary in the paper. I felt sorrow over the loss of that special woman but also felt joy because I knew the ache in her heart was finally gone. She was holding and loving her infant daughter again.

The greatest remodel

I love my new bathroom. I love it. If it were a little bigger, I would consider putting in a chair and just hanging out in there. I enjoy running my fingers over the new glass tile backsplash and the curved front of the countertop. Whenever I walk in, I smile. I feel peaceful, calm, and comfortable. A few months ago, that room had the opposite effect on me. I felt frustrated, annoyed, and stressed out. If you've ever been through a major remodel that you have done without the help of contractors, you probably know what I mean. It is a process; a long process.

I started the process back in March. I was tired of the outdated fixtures and wasted space. I pretty much hated that bathroom. For years I had been dreaming of double sinks and real tile (instead of the stick-on vinyl tiles we had). I saved some money and decided it was finally time. I picked out a color scheme and began pricing materials. The design phase was definitely the most fun for me. I enjoy picking out colors and textures and imagining them in a space. The actual work part was less fun but more rewarding. I did some of it myself with the help of my dad and my husband. My dad built the beautiful vanity, mirror frame, and towel cabinet above the toilet. He plumbed the second sink and did all the wiring for the second light fixture. He put in an exhaust fan and put up all the towel bars. My husband tiled the floor and installed the new toilet. I did the glass tile backsplash and painted. My dad and husband also installed a new vinyl window.

Because we have 3 kids and jobs, the process was only finished a few weeks ago. Each step seemed to take forever, especially during the summer when many of our weekends were spent camping. The length of time it took was frustrating for me. I mean, when you have a vision in your mind of how things are going to look, it's hard to be patient and wait for things to get finished. The other part that was frustrating was not being able to use the room during certain steps of the process...and it's a vital room, if you know what I mean. So, we spent weeks of having to go downstairs to use the bathroom or the shower.

In the end, I am so pleased with the results. It was worth the frustration and waiting period. During the whole process, I thought about how God sort of remodels us, when we give our lives to him. We become new creations according to 2 Corinthians 5. He tears out all the old thinking and old habits and creates a new person. One that is is full of peace and joy and is washed clean. Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like, but God will not be rushed. He has a plan and wants each step done just right. Sometimes, we can't figure out what God is doing, or why he is doing it a certain way, but we can be sure the end result will be spectacular; better that we could ever imagine or ask for.

I am not quite finished, (I'd like to make some curtains and replace the shower fixtures...among other things) I know God's not done with me yet, either. I'm so glad, aren't you?

A month of ups and downs

I originally planned to write once a week to update my progress with organizing and gaining control over my life. Now, five weeks later, I am finally getting around to it.

The day after my last post, my life was hit with an unexpected glitch. My husband took our son up to the mountains and our van's engine basically blew up. It's kind of ironic that the night before I wrote of God's faithful provision, because I have needed to reread my own words countless times in the past month. My faith has ridden a bit of a roller coaster of ups and downs. I found myself riding to the lower dips of my faith often at first, but every time I found myself down, I reminded myself of the truth of God's word and that process has bolstered my faith to new heights.

God's word says in Hebrews 6:11-12 And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. Faith and patience work hand in hand and I have definitely learned some patience this month. I prayed for God to help us find the right vehicle immediately, but he chose to let us look around a lot and find many wrong vehicles before finding the right one. We were very discouraged by the high miles and lack of quality in many of the vehicles we looked at. But, God miraculously provided a quality vehicle within our meager price range. The whole time we were looking, God impressed upon us that we should consider our decision to purchase a vehicle very carefully and not rush. Everything in me wanted to just buy something and move on, but if we had rushed, we would not have ended up with nearly the quality, cleanliness, or low miles for the price we paid. Also, God allowed us to sell our van for more than anyone thought we could get for it with a blown motor.

Due to the amount of time it took to find a new vehicle, my plans to tackle my organizational problems had to be put on the back burner. I have continued to work to sell the few things on craigslist I had originally posted. I have only sold one other item to date, but I am trying to be patient in this as well. The book I read from the library said that patience is necessary when selling certain items that are not in high demand. So, I re post and hope that the right person sees it and contacts me.

I also bought a notebook formatted for list writing. I used be a diligent list maker. I have lost that over the past few years and have noticed that I am decidedly less organized without them. I am finding that my mind simply cannot be depended upon. I am constantly forgetting things at the store because I don't write them down. Hopefully, I will keep shopping trips to a minimum by writing these things down as soon as I realize I need them. Also, when I visit specialty stores or thrift stores for one item, I later realize I could have looked for another item or two while I was there. I also plan to keep a running to-do list because (I know this sounds crazy) sometimes when I finally have a moment to get some things done, I forget what I need to do. My mind literally goes blank and I spend too much time going through things in my mind and then prioritizing them. With a running to-do list, I can already have the prioritizing done and can tackle my list with just a few spare moments.

All in all, I don't feel like I've done a whole lot in the last month, but I am as determined to gain some control as I was when I began. I plan to provide regular updates through this process and please, if anyone has any ideas for me, please comment.

Casting your cares

A couple of weeks ago, when the worry became too much to bear. I opened a book I have called God's Promises. I think everyone should have one of these because there are times when either we are hit with something that is really tough to bear, we are caught up in worry, or we are simply feeling down, it helps to be able to look in a book like that and feel encouraged without having to search through the Bible for what we need. The promise that was on my heart was this one:

Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares for you-1 Peter 5:7

I knew the verse, but couldn't remember the reference (I'm so bad at knowing references). I looked in my book until I found it. Then as I read, I came across a lot more.

Matt 6:31-34--“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?" These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Philippians 4:6-7--Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

John 14:27--"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."

Jeremiah 29:11--For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

These verses filled my spirit like a cold glass of water after working outside on a hot day. It was refreshing, nourishing, and wonderful. By the way, the peace He promises is real. Even though my circumstances haven't changed much, (we are still in the red for this month and still need gas and other things), I am truly not worried. Oh, I know I need to make some changes, but I also know that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do and He is in control.

I write this mainly because I hope it brings peace to someone else as it has me.

By the way, I sold one of my craigslist items! I'm a whole $20 richer!

Five2thrive

Even though my youngest is about to turn one, I still feel like I am adjusting to having three kids, running a household, and working part time. Sometimes I feel like my life is spinning out of control and therefore gave up trying to control it. Clutter now reigns, my savings has shrunk considerably as we spend beyond our means, and my exercise, quiet time with God, and time working on my novel are sporadic at best.

Recently I came to a point where I had to say enough is enough. I turned to the only One who can restore order out of chaos and gave it all to Him. I gave him my finances, my time, my health, my long to do list, and my frustrations. Slowly, I have felt my faith grow and my fear and frustration subside. In the absence of fear and frustration, I saw my situation more clearly. I realized that while I am trusting God to help me find balance, He gave me an intelligent mind and the ability to move forward and change some things.

Since money and disorganization have been the heaviest weight in my mind, I decided to start there. I immediatly did 4 things.
1)I put myself on a spending freeze. No buying anything that isn't absolutely necessary. I decided to get creative and cook what is in my freezer and see how long it lasts me. I need to defrost the freezer anyway and with hunting season around the corner, now's the time to empty some things out of it. When I needed to get my daughter a pale blue leotard for dance, I visited thrift stores and found one for $1.50. Gas and food is about all I will allow myself to buy for awhile.
2)I went to the Library and checked out 2 books. One on organizing, decluttering and selling unwanted/unneeded items, and one on being thrifty and living better with less.
3)I went through my monthly bills and decided where things could be eliminated and money saved. I realized that we really don't use our home phone and so I cancelled it. Then I called for quotes for new policies for auto and home insurance and found a really good deal. I changed my netflix plan to streaming video only since usually the DVDs sit on our entertainment center for 2-3 weeks at a time. Finally, I cancelled another insurance policy that was not really worth the cost. Overall, I saved myself ~$800 per year.
4)I posted a couple of items on craigslist from our recent bathroom remodel. They have been sitting in various areas in my house, my bedroom, and my garage collecting dust and I decided to see if my cast offs are something someone else is willing to pay for.

This is just a start, but I am seeing how in just a few days, I have made some changes that will really make a difference. I am calling this WEEK 1 of my quest to thrive as I know God wants me too.

Week 1 money saved
$8.50 on leotard
$800 per year on insurance premiums and telephone bills
approximately $50 on groceries I would have bought.
For a grand total of $858.50
Not bad!